On Being Three Hundred and Ten Pounds: The Delectation of Fat Independence

The Delectation of Fat Independence

When in the Course of  life you become a sloppy whale of a man,  it becomes necessary to dissolve the reserves of fat which have become connected to your ass, and to assume among the fit and happy people of the earth, the equal station to which the Laws of Health and Fitness entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of fat men requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to Fitness.

2011, 220 lb We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Fat Men can get a six pack, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Burgers, Fries and the pursuit of Drunkenness.--That to secure these rights, Fitness Programs are instituted among Fat Men, deriving their just powers from the knowledge of the Fit, --That whenever any Form of Fitness Plan or Diet becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of Fatties to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Fitness Plans, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Abs, Legs, Arms, Chest, Shoulders, Back and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate if Fitness Plans long established should be adopted to accelerate weight loss; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Fat Men are more disposed to be Fat, while Fatness is sufferable, than to lose weight by abolishing the lifestyle to which they are accustomed. But when you suffer from hip and back pain and look in the mirror and see fat bastard from Austin Powers and when your wardrobe resembles a fat Wal-Mart worker and you find yourself trapped in a lifestyle that will   invariably lead to diabetes, Hart problems and a life of pain, it is their right, it is their duty, to get ther fat asses in gear and loose weight for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of this Fat Man; and such is now the necessity which constrains me to lose weight. The history of my present weight is a history of repeated fast food trips, college course, and a new relationship, all have lead to the establishment of the absolute Tyranny of fatness over my life. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

2014, 320 lb

I. Look at me in 2011: on my way to a six pac.

II. Look at me in 2013: after a six pac.

III. I look like a fat zebra wearing blue strips.

I, therefore, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Fat People of The Unite States, solemnly publish and declare, That I will lose one hundred and ten pounds in one year.